I am adopted. I found my birth parents one week ago and was fortunate enough to meet them for the first time this past weekend. I want to share with you my experience in an effort to provide a little insight into this situation and so many others just like it. I have received questions from parents who have adopted, are thinking of adopting, from other adopted children and interested parties. Many are curious about the emotions, conflicts, grudges and potential hurt feelings that may be part of this experience for the individuals and families involved. There are many possible scenarios but fortunately for me this has been an entirely positive experience. I will also go out on a limb and say that I expect that it’s mostly a positive event for everyone involved despite the fear, anxiety and trepidation. This does not imply a happy ending to a successful search. However, meeting your birth parents/family certainly comes with a sense of “grounding” or perhaps “completeness.”
First things first, I love my Dad and family. My father (Joseph Chamberlin) is my best friend, was my best man at my wedding and we talk every day. He adopted me and raised me in the most selfless and generous way possible. My hope is that if I can become 1/10 of the man he is, I will be on the right path. He is my role model, mentor and rock. He supported me all my life in good times and bad. He helped me with my search and put me at ease about the entire process. Thank you Pops.
The search started soon after my Dad handed me casually my adoption records out of the blue when I was visiting one weekend in 1995. I knew I was adopted from the earliest age but I had never seen the actual paperwork. In fact, I had never thought any paperwork existed. The legal documents were of no use as there is no identifiable information. The only useful information came from my father’s handwritten notes on a small piece of paper in the packet that said that my father was a 26 year old, Italian, and an attorney practicing in Syracuse, NY. He was 5’8” and 205 lbs. My birth name was Stephen Patrick Howe and that my mother was early 20’s and of German and English ancestry. That’s all I had except for the fact that baby Stephen liked cereal and slept through the night. I assumed that they were not married and that Howe was my mother’s name.
So to take a step back, what do you think I felt about being adopted? The answer is very little. I had at the time a mother (she passed last year due to breast cancer), father, brother and sister so I wasn’t missing out on having a family. It was an idle curiosity – nothing more. I never got my hopes up and the scenarios I imagined were that my parents were injured at the time of my birth or something far worse like they were in jail or deceased. I also thought that they probably weren’t looking for me and clearly my father being an attorney would know how not to be found if he didn’t want to. My two questions that I most wanted answered were; why was I given up for adoption and did I have siblings?
My original search consisted of paying the State of NY for a list of practicing attorneys in Syracuse in 1967. I looked for Italian surnames (ending in a vowel of course) and then called the 70 names I identified. I had some potential hits but after many, many calls I gave up. It turns out that the name I was looking for was not on my list. Howe is a common name and if my birth mother had married and thus changed her last name, it would be difficult to locate her. In 1995 I registered with the New York State adoption information registry and the international registry. Both work on the premise that if the parents register and the children register then they will be matched by the agency. Outside of a medical emergency that would compel the courts to open the adoption records to determine the medical history – there was little else I thought I could do.
The Private Investigator (PI) that I hired is amazing. He has a natural talent for this and his rates are low. He is friends with my sister (Beverly Chamberlin) who is also adopted (from different parents) and he found her parents in two weeks. When I learned about that I asked him to search for mine and he found my parents in two months. Please contact me if you’d like a referral. He is exceptional, affordable and quick. He explained that parents essentially can’t find children they put up for adoption because they have no identifiable information. You get nothing when you give your child up and then you have nothing to go on except a baby picture perhaps – good luck with that. This was a major realization for me because I had always assumed that if my parents wanted to find me or to be found they would have or the adoption registries would have paired us.
There are several fallacies about searching for parents and children involved in adoption. The biggest one is the pairing agencies. They lull you into a false sense of security in that you feel like you are doing everything that can be done be registering with them. My sister and her birth family both registered. My birth family and I both registered. We were never matched. The reason is simple. These are government agencies who have limited funding and resources. They are not on the leading edge of technology nor do they have modern applications that have reasonable data quality and the ability to generate actionable information.
How I found my birth family was by retaining a PI and giving him all of the information I had. He sent me a 4 page report replete with potential fathers and theories about my mother’s occupation and the potential situations. None of the pictures of potential fathers that fit our criteria resembled me. There were some far flung theories about my mother but I mostly ignored that section and I really didn’t follow his line of thinking. I asked him to follow up on the ideas he had for my birth father and to cold call all of the Howe’s in the Syracuse phonebook. As it turns out, he actually listed by name my mother in his first report. In the second report my PI listed only five potential fathers for me – 3 deceased, one in Florida with no contact info and one in Rochester, NY. I googled the Rochester name and found a picture in a law directory. My body literally “buzzed” when I viewed the picture of my birth father; like I was set on vibrate. The physical resemblance was unbelievable. The eyes, the nose, ears, chin, full head of hair etc. were all the same. I showed it to a few friends and they all agreed that I was on to something. The law directory that listed my birth father also provided me with the email address so I sent him an email. He called me in an hour and said, “I think I am your father.”
The answers to my questions were ones that I had never, ever imagined. My birth parents conceived me early on in their relationship. As marriage was not certain, they gave me up for adoption (phew!) They ended up getting married a year later and had my sister Meredith and my brother Jerry. They have been missing me and wanting to find me for 40 years.
My first visit with my birth family went great. Everyone I met was amazing and very nice. They greeted me with open arms, trust and acceptance. I was given a picture of my sister and her family, my father and one of my mother (who has remarried after 20 years with my birth father) with her husband Larry (my step-father). I showed this to my boys when I got home and the immediate comment was, “Gee Dad, you have a lot of new parents.” During the weekend I was able to get some 1:1 time with just about everyone. I have to say I was extremely taken with my sister’s kids. Jack is absolutely amazing. He trusted me instantly and called me Uncle Russ. Since I have no other nephews or nieces and one of my best friends who passed from lung cancer 2 years ago used to call me that – I was very happy to hear him say it. When he asked me what I do for a living; he listened patiently and then politely stated, “now put it it terms I can understand.” Jack, 12, is one of many new delights I discovered. A second 
delight was his sister Ashley. She’s a great kid who works hard at school and dance. She’s grounded and filled with enthusiasm and determination. In the time between finding my birth family and meeting we each talked on the phone some. I can’t tell you how excited I was to get a LinkedIN invite from my brother before we spoke on the phone (he lives in Seattle). I was also friended by my sister on Facebook. After the first night I traveled with my birth sister to meet my birth mother (Kathleen) and her husband
Larry. This was wonderful too. We ate, had some wine and my sister beat me at Scrabble on the last turn of the game. It was so nice to feel such positive energy in the room.
So what determines who you become – environment or genetics? Clearly the answer is both. I found numerous similar traits. My father was a long time wrestler as am I. My father has the same allergies that I do. He likes strong water pressure in the shower which is something that’s important to me too. We have so many seemingly irrelevant similarities that it’s crystal clear we are related. Environment is also a major factor but my assumption is that being raised in either family would have been a comparable experience as both families have similar socio-economic standings.
So where do we go from here? To the family reunion on July 4th of course! I can’t wait to meet more of the extended family. My sister’s (Meredith’s) family may come visit for a trip to Hershey Park and to see a Phillies game. My brother (Jerry) is coming to Lake Placid to compete in a triathlon in July so that will be our first meeting. My best summation is that I have found an open door. What happens next only time will tell. Having lost a parent I understand what that parent did for me and my love for them. This all means a lot to me including my brother Joseph, my sister Beverly and my Dad and all of my birth family. I think this next statement is the best thing I can clear up with this post. It’s all good. Everyone is supportive and you don’t have to feel shy or embarrassed to have additional relatives or worry about hurting others feelings. You do need to be sensitive and aware that you are in unchartered ground so cautious steps are necessary and wise. Nevertheless, It’s better than “all good.” It’s great!
